The mounting moaning, the slap of skin on skin, the playful laughter, the smack of an ass. No, I haven’t been watching porn or The Tudors (holy hell, that show’s like soft-core). I’ve been treated yet again to my own pornographic audio courtesy of the reliable Hormone Factory next door.

At this point, I don’t know whether to be annoyed or… maybe a little turned on? Alas, the boyfriend and I are not given to school night sleep overs, so there’s no waking his ass up at 2:30. Sigh. So now I’m sharing it with you.

It all started a few months ago, despite the seemingly endless fickle spring we’ve had this year in Chicago, when on one of the first “warm” nights, windows were flung open to catch the fresh lake breezes. What began curiously at first, quickly devolved (or evolved? hmmm…) into a full on spectator sport. Is that? Noooo. Is that what I think that is? It kinda sounds more like a zoo actually- is she pretending to be a monkey? Or a lion? Huh.

And while it may have begun in the bedroom, it now regularly occurs in the living room as well, ECHOING across the courtyard. No joke; I can literally hear them over Kendra and Chelsea Lately. Don’t for one second allow the air times of those shows to mislead you into thinking these champs are at all restrained by time of day.

I can honestly tell you, while they seem to really enjoy Sunday night action, they’ve also been known to go to it around the time I arrive home from work and AGAIN as early as 9:30. They’ll even throw in a semi-early Saturday morning and occasionally an alternate Tuesday night as well (ostensibly because, as everyone knows, there isn’t shit on TV).

Tonight, or early this morning rather, while she trotted out her signature “Ah, ah, ahhhhh, oh yeah!” (every time, every single time), for my added voyeuristic pleasure- just a few minutes after like a proper gentleman- I got to hear him finish as well. Prior to that “specialness,” I’m fairly certain I could actually hear the slapping of his…well, you catch my drift. At that decibel, how can that not hurt?

Needless to say, while it never seems to last long, they certainly pull out all the stops. And now? God love ‘em, round two just got started.