06.14.09
Working Toward Extraordinary
Sometimes I’m such a little girl. It’s a sad confession I make to you. I’m a twenty-nine year old woman who successfully (somehow) maneuvered her way through college and graduate school into (mostly) gainful employment, who moved herself from a small town surrounded by corn and soybean to a city of 2 million, who survived family and relationship dysfunction in all its varied forms, and I’m still brought to my knees by insecurity.
I may think I know who I am today, but I don’t feel like that’s enough for me anymore. I want to be so much more than…this…this version of me. It sneaks up on me and hits me right between the eyes. BAM! And it goes on to eat away at my better judgment, bringing hot disappointing tears. Please don’t misunderstand, it’s not about “the having”- the material things, the job, the spouse, or the family. It’s about being the kind of person I admire from afar. My self-effacing jokes belie envy.
The ones I admire: they’re dark haired and quirky, eccentric and endearing. They’re creative and inspire creativity: know things about art and music and all its many forms. They photograph and take photographs well. They flit and float about town on their vintage scooters and bikes with their vintage skirts with vintage patterns and their vintage glasses and ballerina flats. They’re beautiful in ephemeral ways that spawn more beauty. They’re just left of center, original, authentic.
And all the while, I’m…me. Neither terrible nor extraordinary, but somewhere in between. Adequate maybe.
Ames said,
June 15, 2009 at 5:24 pm
Umm, no…you are far from adequate my dear. Sorry to let you in on this little secret, but from what I know of you; you are extraordinary!
I know what you mean about seeing those people who look so comfortable in their own skin, and they have all the right accessories, and they put it all together so well. I watch them with awe knowing that I’ll probably never be one of them. But the thing to keep in mind…maybe someone is watching you thinking the same thing.
nic said,
June 16, 2009 at 3:10 pm
Yeah, it’s like they make it look so effortless. And were I to try to do the same, I think it’d feel…put on? I don’t know.
What I do know is that I’m grateful for your kind words- for ALL your kind words- that you have given me over the years. Thank you.
Quattro Stelle said,
June 17, 2009 at 12:48 pm
Take it from someone dark-haired, quirky, with a job in the art world: anyone with that much vintage is trying too fucking hard.
The best thing about getting older is you stop envying people for such superficial reasons. Now that I’m in my thirties, I am so much more comfortable in my own non-vintage-clothed skin. You will be, too.