Apparently, there’s some less than friendly office behavior occurring around here of late. Of late? Who am I kidding?

“Over the past several weeks, many people have reported that their personal food items have been stolen from the refrigerators on multiple floors. It should go without saying, but please do not take food items that are not yours.”

Now, as someone who had her beloved Coke stolen from the refrigerator in 2005, I can tell you I completely empathize with the poor victims of this current food jacking spree. But why is it that HR will send out an email to this effect and not address the many heinous acts of inter-office crime?

If I were in HR, I’d be apt to send something like the following…

Dear Fellow Hardworkers,

Please forgive this brief interruption of your vigorous work day. We find it advisable at this time to send a *friendly* notice to all employees in our effort to not only make this office a safe environment for all, but one in which we are energized, fulfilled, and can work and laugh together in harmony.

As such, it has come to our attention that a select number of you have begun scheduling meetings in excess. This is highly ill advised. Meetings only anger people and if held in excess, as appears to be the case, creates a slowdown of the daily work flow, contributing to wide-spread workplace stress. It is important to remember to always value your fellow employee’s time.

Similarly, scheduling meetings first thing in the morning, over the lunch hour or immediately thereafter, or late in the day, is an easy way to inflame your fellow co-workers and interrupt their workhour errand-running. As your HR representative, I must take it upon myself to remind you that it is a requirement of your employment here to serve as a “team player.” I recommend that prior to scheduling any meeting; you first ask yourself if an email wouldn’t be more efficient and advisable. Also, scheduling “pre-meetings” to prepare for a meeting for which the agenda is to prepare for the actual meeting is not only confusing, but highly questionable. We in HR stand by good project management, but must remind all of you that planning and talking about doing “the work” doesn’t actually mean any work is completed.

We would like also to take this opportunity to call your attention to a few common words and phrases that are reportedly “dumbing down” office communication. These words and phrases include, but are not limited to, “fleshing it out,” “putting some ‘meat and bones’ on that copy,” “blowing it out,” “synergy,” “dovetail,” “circle back,” “hash out,” and “touch base.” We find this language is disruptive to those within earshot, and in some cases quite disturbing. While we do offer excellent in network pyschological care for those afflicted by the terminology, we prefer that you instead cease use forthwith. Should you choose to continue employing such tactless and meaningless language, HR, nor the company, will be held responsible for the irritation, blankness, or physical smackdown with which you may be met.

Finally, due to popular demand, we will be bringing back company-wide access to You Tube. Thanks to the petition signed by many of you and the grassroots white paper documenting its extensive merits as an institutional gem, management trusts that it really is the value-added resource you’ve documented it to be.

Should you have any questions or comments, please plan to attend our monthly share sessions where you can discuss your feelings over a donut or bran muffin with complete strangers otherwise known as your co-workers.

As always, help us help you,

HR